No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
