her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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