Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
