I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
