Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
