I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
