Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
