We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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