I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
