I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
