Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
