I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
