But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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