I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
