never play flip cup with pint glasses
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
