you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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