it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
