theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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