Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
