Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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