People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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