We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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