Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Shame - the story of my life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
