You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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