i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
