I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
