FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
