A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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