oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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