3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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