I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
