Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
