Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
