note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
