Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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