i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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