i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
