you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
