my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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