I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
