At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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