Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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