3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
