I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
