Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
