My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
jump out the window naked night went bad
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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