I accidentally had phone sex last night
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
