Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
