I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
