I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
